How Long Before Our Hearts Explode?
by Nicholas Hulstine
A small bathroom. Allie, early thirties, stands looking into a mirror doing her makeup. Her sister Samantha (Sam), late twenties, sits staring off smoking a cigarette.
They both wear black.
ALLIE
. . . He’s calling me sweetie, and dearie like I was a fucking twelve year-old—and honey! Ugh and he keeps touching me on my lower back, leading me around like I’m a god damn show pony. He showed me caskets that were twenty grand! Tellin’ me how reasonably priced it all is and what amazing payment programs he has.
SAM
They do have good payment programs.
ALLIE
I’m not paying twenty thousand for a box that’s going to be buried in ten feet of—
SAM
We’re not paying—
ALLIE
What? Oh yeah, of course—but we’re not just throwing away money like that.
SAM
She wanted a nice casket.
ALLIE
And she’s got it, it’s the third nicest one in the catalogue. I wanted to burn her.
SAM
Cremate. You don’t say burn, that’s why the word cremate exists.
ALLIE
You know what I’m saying—
SAM
It was her money and she didn’t want to be cremated. She wanted a nice funeral and a headstone. The works.
ALLIE
With everyone walking around all sad and crying and saying things like "I’m so sorry for your loss" and "She was a wonderful woman" and everyone cooks for you because they think you’re so wrought with sadness that for some reason you can’t cook or manage fucking take-out.
SAM
It’s already been paid for so there’s—
ALLIE
Oh I know. Trust me. I handed the man the check.
SAM
Do you have any more?
(Allie opens her clutch and takes out a small dime bag of coke and flicks the bag.)
ALLIE
I’m leaving some for later so don’t get crazy.
(Sam dips a key into the bag and snorts a small bump.)
ALLIE (cont’d)
Remember Dustin Pierce?
SAM
Yeah.
ALLIE
I think he’s coming later. His parents are here. He’s still hot.
SAM
Who gives a shit.
ALLIE
If I’m going to be here I’m going to get laid and it's going to be Dustin Pierce.
SAM
He used to go by Dusty, why would you go by that—
ALLIE
He builds houses now. His body says, "I build houses bitch." That reminds me! I found the greatest place! I was on Zillow for three hours last night looking at places in the Bay Area. Everyone thinks San Fran is the place to be but it’s actually Oakland! Oh my God Sam, I was finding four bedroom houses, totally within our budget—we could buy now, and when we sell the house here—
SAM
What’s the matter with you? She’s not even in the ground.
ALLIE
So?
SAM
You’re spending money that you don’t have . . . play it a little cooler than that.
ALLIE
Relax, Sammy.
SAM
Just . . . pretend to have a little respect.
(Allie lights a cigarette.)
ALLIE
I thought we were all . . . whatever . . . We’re in private okay, we don’t need to be . . . you know . . . I’m excited to live with my little sister again.
SAM
She was still our mother.
ALLIE
Who was a fucking piece of shit. Let’s not forget that. Don’t let the act run away from you.
SAM
Don’t forget we need to act.
ALLIE
You’re being all weird. Like overly sad. That looks suspicious.
SAM
So does hitting on Dusty Pierce at her funeral and immediately spending money on a house in California. Real subtle, Allie.
ALLIE
I’m making plans for once. Don’t pretend that you want to stay here.
SAM
We have to look like we were stunned by her untimely death. We need to keep it going just a little longer.
ALLIE
I’m just adding a little reality to it. She was a fucking bitch and the majority of people in town knew that. It’s also no mystery that she loved you more than me so I can be a little—
SAM
We’ve been down this road a million times. Let’s not do it right now.
ALLIE
Why are you in here then?
SAM
Because you ran in here crying. I had to keep up appearances . . . and you have the coke.
ALLIE
Everyone out there hated Mother and I don’t blame them one bit. This whole fucking town is full of passive-aggressive WASPs who are only here because it’s the "funeral of the season." It’s something for them to all do until the next one of them dies.
SAM
She still gave us life. We at least have to honor her for bringing us into the world.
ALLIE
I can’t believe you are actually siding with our psychotic mother—
SAM
You would love to think that. It makes you look like more of a struggling artist if you have a psychotic mother—
ALLIE
You don’t know half the shit she did to me!
SAM
She did the same things to me.
ALLIE
It sounds like you’re defending her, I can’t believe my ears . . . do you love her?
SAM
. . . Yes.
(They both burst out into laughter. It grows as they laugh at each other laughing.)
ALLIE
She hardly had an ounce of love for me! . . . She hated me! She hated that boys liked me! . . . she hated that her boyfriends didn’t look at her like they looked at me!
SAM
You were such a slut!
(They laugh so hard they can hardly breathe.)
ALLIE
Brian forced himself on me!
SAM
I remember it that you forced yourself on him!
ALLIE
I was fourteen, I didn’t force myself on a grown man!
SAM
You—oh my god—you used to prance around in these little jean skirts and fucking Doc Martens!
(They continue to laugh uncontrollably.)
SAM (cont’d)
Oh . . . oh . . . I can’t breathe stop! . . . When I was sixteen and she had to put central air in the whole house, she said it would be okay for me to ask the worker if I could do anything for him, and when I asked her what she meant, she said give him pleasure as a way of paying for my half of the payment!
ALLIE
She told me she caught you trying to solicit the man!
SAM
She would, that lying cunt bag!
(Allie can’t catch her breath she’s laughing too hard. Sam fans her face trying to get air into her lungs any way possible.)
SAM (cont’d)
If she had her way she’da put me on the corner every weekend to pay the fucking gas bill!
ALLIE
She can rot in hell for all I care!
SAM
She was—she was just a lonely woman who felt unloved . . .
ALLIE
Dad loved her . . .
(They burst back out in hysterical laughter.)
ALLIE (cont’d)
I LOVED HER!
SAM
Me too!
ALLIE
Until I couldn’t anymore!
(They start to calm down a bit.)
SAM
I mean . . . it’s just fucking sad . . . he drove everyone away. Everyone abandoned her. Imagine living a life where no one wanted to be around you. Her parents . . . her siblings, her husband, her kids—
ALLIE
Do you love her now? YES!
SAM
Are you serious?
(Sam bursts out into laughter, but Allie doesn’t.)
SAM
I am . . . I don’t know why, I just do!
(Sam continues laughing.)
ALLIE
All the terrible things she did to us though . . . locking us in closets for hours—
(Sam laughs harder.)
ALLIE (cont’d)
She would just start hitting us for no reason.
(Sam stills laughs. Sam’s laughter eventually subsides.)
ALLIE (cont’d)
Then why did you—I mean, why did you want to—why did you do what you did then? If you still loved her?
SAM
You can still love someone and hate them at the same time.
ALLIE
Yeah but, that usually keeps you from . . . you know, doing what we did.
SAM
What are you saying?
ALLIE
I stopped having an ounce of love for that woman when I was old enough to finally start thinking for myself. I don’t even remember what it was like to feel love for her.
SAM
Like I said, she was still our mother. I still love her.
(Beat.)
SAM (cont’d)
Don’t start feeling all guilty. I don’t regret a thing if that’s what you’re thinking.
ALLIE
I’m just trying to figure out how you could possibly love a woman like that?
SAM
I understood her.
ALLIE
How? Whatever . . . it doesn’t matter.
SAM
I gave the effort. Loving someone isn’t always easy.
(Allie stares at Sam.)
SAM (cont’d)
Don’t look at me like that.
ALLIE
Like what?
SAM
Like I’m fucking crazy. Stop it.
ALLIE
I’m not doing anything—
SAM
Yes you are. You have that judgey look in your eye. You used to do that all the time. Stop.
ALLIE
Fine, whatever.
SAM
. . . sorry.
(There’s some uncomfortable silence.)
ALLIE (cont’d)
Why did you even want to do it?
ALLIE
For the same reason you did.
SAM
Which is?
ALLIE
We did it so we could sell this house and leave and never come back to this place. To start our lives over.
SAM
You did it for money, just say it. Don’t use me as excuse . . . Doing things for money is how you go to hell. That’s what happens to people who do things just for money, it’s like selling your soul to the devil. You chose money over someone’s life.
ALLIE
So I’m going to hell and you’re not then. Is that it?
(Sam doesn’t answer.)
ALLIE (cont’d)
And how does that work?
SAM
I didn’t do it for the money.
ALLIE
Of course you did.
SAM
How would you know?
ALLIE
Wow, if you believe that, then you really are just as crazy as she was.
SAM
I did it because it was my right to . . . I deserved to kill that woman. I chose my freedom over my death. You didn’t deserve it. I did it because I knew I could and I was fucking ready.
ALLIE
I could’ve done it.
SAM
Oh really? She sat screaming from the living room for her dinner so she could take her heart pills. "Do you want me to roll over and die, hurry it up." Do you know what happens when you overdose on ACE inhibitors?
ALLIE
Stop it.
SAM
Your heart basically explodes and it takes around ten minutes for it to do so. She kept reaching for something. It’s like you’re reaching for life as it slips away . . . Ohhhh that’s probably the light everyone sees! . . . Huh . . . I looked her right in the eyes and watched. You could tell she would have been screaming out apologies if she could.
(Beat. Sam smiles.)
ALLIE
We should probably get back out there.
SAM
Don’t want to hear that stuff huh?
ALLIE
No Samantha, I don’t. And guess what, I do want the fucking money, because it’s owed to me, all right? For all the . . . it’s my turn for something to go right. I’m owed my half of the money from this house.
SAM
You’ll get it when I decide to give it to you.
ALLIE
What are you talking about?
SAM
It’s my house, so when I sell it, I’ll give you money. But you have to act your age first.
ALLIE
The house is ours.
(Sam finds her purse and pulls out a Will and hands it to Allie. She reads.)
ALLIE (cont’d)
. . . This isn’t fair.
SAM
I endured her longer therefore I’m owed more, that is fair. Remember, I stuck it out here. So when the house sells I’ll dole the appropriate money out.
ALLIE
Half.
SAM
But someone needs to behave until then. You’ve done nothing but embarrass me in front of everyone.
(Sam looks in the mirror fixing her hair then takes Allie’s purse and takes out the cocaine.)
SAM (cont’d)
I can’t wait to move into together! I bet California is amazing!
(Allie watches her speechless.)
SAM (cont’d)
Now we need to look our best going back out. Chins up, no tears. Stop slouching, you little slut!
(Sam sniffs another bump and puts the cocaine back in the purse.She smiles big.)
SAM (cont’d)
Oh remember! Frowns! Like we’re in deep pain and anguish!
(She exits. Allie sits. The will falls from her hands and the papers go everywhere.)
:LIGHTS OUT: END PLAY:
Nicholas Hulstine is a playwright and actor. On film he’s appeared in My Friend Dahmer, Above Suspicion, The Art of Self Defense, Chopin, Runner and Great Light. His plays include Happyouth (Gene Frankel Theatre, NYC), Nub City, USA! (Samuel French OOB Festival Winner, 2023), How Long Before Our Hearts Explode? (The Magnetic Theatre, NC), Blue Scatters Most, (The Secret Theatre, NYC), The Track N’ Hole (Prologue Theatre, Chicago) and The Geography of Nowhere (The Chain Theatre, NYC). He’s the co-founder of the Louisville Fringe Festival. Education: The American Musical and Dramatic Academy, BA The New School, MFA in Playwriting from Spalding University. He teaches writing at the University of Louisville.